I always thought she was really cute.
Slender, hip-y, tall with pale curves.
Her eyes were softly blue and her lips plumply pink. She reminded me of “Nips”; a major love interest in the original UK version of Skins.
She was so sexy, so confident yet so hopeless; seemingly weak.
I always wanted to kiss her I think.
Even before I really KNEW I wanted to.
And once I did that’s all I wanted to do.
She turned me on, kept me fascinated, in her presence I was always horny…
And we were both younger then.
Katy Perry’s song always played in the back of my head-“I Kissed a girl and I liked it”
But these stirrings weren’t simply cordial. Not just another intoxicated girls evening.
I wanted her.
To be with her.
For the two of us, together, to mean something.
I had the lingering to be with her The way I wanted to be with men.
She was so pretty, and complicated and confusing but so pretty and delicate and sweet but I didn’t know, at that time, being bi sexual was an authentic part of me.
I still regret not using the opportunity to pursue anything with her.
Anna W. ,to this day, is the only past one I would go back and try it again with.
And we never actually “tried” anything.
We slept together twice, three times maybe.
Went on one Valentines date. Nothing comparable to the facade I recollect to to people informing that her and I were “dating”.
I wish then I knew more about me.
About my sexuality.
I wish I had pursued her more.
Because as a person she glowed in beauty.
Her eyes,
Her lips,
Her mind
Her hobbies
Her flaws
Her body
Down to her inspiringly naughty
tattoos tracing her curvy lining.
Secretly, at the time, I wanted her to want more of me, but somewhere we plato-ed and the increasingly steamy altercations became less interesting.
One night I leaned in to kiss her and she abruptly disregarded me.
And, as I thought only a male lover could, it slightly pained me.
I didn’t know until Anna W. that I truly also desired girls.
Until her it was just a few drunk inklings induced with cohesive exploration.
But her I wanted.
I wanted to make her smile.
I wanted to make her laugh
I wanted to get her off and explore the inside of her tummy
I wanted her body
I wanted her approval
Her loyalty
As a lover, not just a friend.
But I didn’t know who I was now when I was who I was then.
I didn’t know what it meant to be bi sexual and truly lust and have intimate affections for another woman.
I was just so unsure and unaware and Anna W.may have very well been uninterested.
She was hard to read, mostly responsive sexually but even then she could be stoic enough to confuse me.
I think the day she skipped away to Hagerstown I started identifying with bisexuality ;displaying my acknowledgment for female affection more.
But Anna W. will always be the first for me. Not the first girl I have ever been physical with but the first girl I have ever encountered genuine feelings for. Mostly because she was so beautiful and mostly because she still is highly covetable to me. Even if it was just another experience while we were young, Anna W. will always be my reason for defying my bi sexuality.

Dear Diary


Today the universe bent down and kissed me. Figuratively speaking. The day was filled with good vibes and occurrences for me. I finally, after a tiresome and doubt filled search, found an affordable room to rent that is not in a foreign owned boarding house labeled as “comfy home with room to rent!”.
One of my more discreet club crushes and I while speaking today realized we were both Leo’s!!!! And even though he has a significant other, I don’t see the harm in sharing expression-able conversations with him. Plus I love his razor straight pearly teeth that show when he is smiling. Surprisingly and yet re assuredly, I have the funds I need and I am not worried about the funds that I don’t. Almost a week after my “cab- incident” (notice the use of incident as opposed to accident) My tailbone has finally agreed to cooperate with the rest of my body. This is awesome considering I have not done any handstand inversions lately. There is no lack of security in my employment. I am blessed with a place to practice a few of my flow arts and the ambitious motivation to commence a performing art career. Life does not appear to be at a stand still for me; I’m progressing. I am creditably trying to regrowth my independence and responsibility while creating myself not only as an individual but a spiritual being. Today I was happy. simple excitements filled the day and the appreciation for them only made the day that much sweeter; as if the universe and my life had conspired together and were happy for each other.

Cabbies and Cop Cars


The Reflection: blog post

I can’t believe how frantic I was this morning, how much I cried incredulously. The proper thing would have been to keep the meter running. Even if it would have been very costly. That would easily have avoided the occurrence of what happened sequentially. I reacted too rash, hard, sensitive, with out control of my decision making.
I assumed out of good faith the cabbie would have reluctantly acquiesced relinquishing me.
Jumping out of a moving cab was surely all too daring.
My skinned left elbow is going to leave quite a scar along the skin, in addition to an immobilizing pang in my tail bone.
If it didn’t end horribly, if it didn’t end shamefully, I would have had an amusing defeat as the scar would not be in vain.
But it is another scrape, another ache, but my pride has also been scraped.
Enduring a potential landlord witness your debacle with the local federals….and then come to the rescue by paying the fare herself!!!
It killed the lioness in me.
A delinquent act on display, I felt cornered, threatened, I was defeated due to my own lack of responsibility.
And in that moment I was weak, compulsively I begun crying, searching my contacts for someone to calm me. It was a series of unfortunate events. I probably will have to continue to search for a new room to call home. Not to mention how embarrassing it all was for me.
My forgetfulness will never get the best of me again.
I understand the effects from lack of memory.
For in that moment I am weak.
And weak is something I don’t want to be.

(Cont. below photo)


Incident- an avoidable occurrence
The incident
Text to T-dog from a few hours earlier

Sent: Sat, Nov 9 2013, 11:16am
Msg: (1/6) I had an appointment with a lady renting out her whole house this AM, on the bus there I go too far to the metro which makes me late, I come to the concl(2/6) usion I’ll take a cab to double back. While I am getting out of the cab I realize my debit card is not in my possesion and I cease to carry cash as not t(3/6) o deplete my funds with frivolous spending. Cabby don’t like that and even though I protested earnestly with supplying him a check or another method of m(4/6) oney transfer and he decides he is going to drive me back. I’m already late and the spot in the house is a great deal, so I just continue to exit the cab(5/6) as the driver attempts to stop me by speeding off. That didn’t end well for me, my elbows, my butt or my back. Still, after I scrape myself off the side street I wait by the cab as he calls the police. A few mn pass, no police yet, no one is answering my calls and now I’m even later so I just continue to

Sent: Sat, Nov 9 2013, 11:20am
Msg: (1/5) Down the street to meet the lady. So at this point i am late and bruised and frantic from the prior situation. I meet the lady and all seems good. As i le(2/5) ave to go back down towards the cab i see a cop, he was just about to pass me when i stop him to look at him and wonder if he is looking for me. I kinda (3/5) approach the cop car, stupid i know, and he questions if im the one from the cab….three cop cars in front of this lady’s house later,my potential land(4/5) lord comes out and pays my cab fare, I am so mortified I begged her not to and suggested moments later that
while i go to the bank for a new card i can b(5/5) ring her back the cash…she asks me: are you sure you can afford rent :( FUCK

Let’s Scream Sexy!!!….not


Miranda, that one red headed, kinda hot kinda not, secondary character from SEX AND THE CITY had it wrong when she said she wanted to “scream sex” after a potential hook up wandered toward the sight of a slightly under dressed younger more attractive looking girl.
Miranda later in the episode complains that she is sexy but men don’t notice that. She named it the ability to scream sex and that she wanted to, with her physical appearance, scream sex also.
A real woman doesn’t aim to SCREAM sex.
More so she strives to display it.
Properly, tastefully,modernly with personality.
Every feline creatures posses the attribute to appear sexy. But you never want to outwardly scream sex or demand to be found provocatively sexy. You want to learn to display yourself as the feline woman you are and in your own skin you are sexy.
Reasonably true, more often than not attraction is driven somewhat by physical lust, thus being the reason we want people to find us “sexy”.
What I think the character of Miranda didn’t apprehend is; you don’t TRY to SCREAM sex with your physical appearance.
Knit tight red lipstick whores scream sex.
Caked face divorcee cougars scream sex.
Under age, tiny shirted adolescent girls scream sex.
A bachelorette displays it.
A woman displays it.
For instance; sexy could be displayed in her neckline, where she has chosen to wear no necklace at all, in place of where your fingers might caress her soft skin.
But no woman should want to SCREAM sex.
Scream that someone should dominate then be rid of her.
That is all too desperate.
Too easy.
But you DO want to display that you are sexy.
As a feminine creature it is your right to be.
Think of it like this: Who wants to buy a purse if it don’t look pretty.
Display that you are a sexy womanly creature, whatever to you that may mean to be.
I think that is what Miranda,the character, meant when she referred to her envy of women who possess the ability to “scream sex”.
I believe Miranda meant: the ability some woman posses to tastefully, modernly, properly, with their own personality, display that they are sexy.
And that is the type of sexy attribute to be envious of.

My Friend


I wonder why I have not slept with LePoo yet
He is smart and handsome enough.
when we do speak behind confined walls he has interestingly beautiful things to say about the things he thinks.
Not the ideal situation to pursue for future proposals but I know he would fuck me if I went back there and performed a blunt pass on him. individuals understand when their physical attraction is mutual.
And that’s what drives human lust
It’s an animal instinct.

Baby you and I ain’t nothing but mammals so let’s do it like they do it on the discovery channel

It’s difficult to engage in activities with someone you find attractive and not want to fuck, it’s like a hormone your bodies emit to one another in existence of the physical atmosphere building up.
And as friendly as LePoo and I had become I am quite aware of his admiration for my physique.
Quite possible it could be the language barrier
Or that he may not be interested at all.
But sometimes we hold glances after detaching with a smile, he takes the opportunity to poke me while we do yoga exercises and when we do touch it is comfortably close.
But not close enough.
That is the difference between LePoo and Travis.
The Slight tingles when we touch.
The lady giggles from LePoo mediocrely pass for jump your bones type signals.
LePoo and I have hung out on several occasions, solely on the basis of being cordial while sharing a common interest for Mary Jane.
His English is mildly fluent but not yet useful enough for in depth, highly intellectual conversations.But he is swiftly learning.
Even so , LePoo and I share something that Travis and I do not.
I knew things about LePoo, personal inquires that he shared willing.
I only know things about Travis because I snoop.
Maybe it is because LePoo and I are actual friends while Travis and I, well while we teeter around friends with benefits.
Quite possibly that is why I crave true friendship, the unveiling of the other person, knowing them for whom they grow to be.
I wish my head didn’t hurt so badly, it would be much easier to write this.
I also wish I knew why I had yet to crawl into LePoo’s bed where he awaited willingly.
Truthfully I can not decide what it means to sleep in bed with him. We have slept in his bed, a group of 3, myself, him and another, but maybe I am not yet ready to share the bed ALONE with him.
Maybe I am, but what if I go to bed with him, snuggle in too close and to my disarray find out that it was all just a disillusion and he doesn’t actually linger longer than normal when our knees touch, maybe I am mis reading everything (as I tend to) and maybe he is truly just being friendly.
He HAS referred to me as such multiple times on all types of occasions.
And Maybe I shouldn’t still be thinking of Travis, slightly in the back of my head.
Hidden behind my headache, jumbled with all the other things that I wish I could just toss out of my head.
I wonder how much longer until I don’t think of him at all. Travis that is. How much longer until I can invite him into my bed, willingly, friendly, with no benefit-ly.
But that’s the thing about Travis.
Something about when he touches me.
My body.
That little tingle he gives me, how ultimately reason is useless and I just cave in.
That I DONT get with LePoo.
It’s more of a light tickle, as if we both know it be fun to play, but we don’t know if we really want to.
With Travis it’s more of an urge, it is quite hard to keep my hands anything but friendly around him, especially once his mouth catches me.
Once I have kissed Travis in a night I have already lost the battle, from there on out it’s all about just putting up a good fight.
I think it be exhaustingly hard to not act on attraction with Travis.
The issue being we didn’t begin as friends.
Not like LePoo and I.
LePoo and I connect because we ARE friends.
Yes, I do believe, that the fact in itself that I am sitting here at 3am pondering to sleep on the couch instead of cuddling up next to some Foreign hottie….
Then there’s also Travis, well not Travis but the things I childishly thought Travis could mean(because we all know the real deal on that one) potentially holding me back from attempting anything physical with LePoo.
Loyalty can be deceiving.
My mind knows better but my body grows accustomed to touch.
But then again I am accustomed to wandering lust.
And LePoo is a handsome young man.
Maybe if LePoo was more aggressive in his approach, mildly he is a gentleman thus very discreet about physically flattering me.
Which is enjoyable but awfully confusing.
But then again there’s the conclusion that we clearly are just friends.
Which would also be very nice too.
He has been so inviting, and I would dislike very much to spoil a promising friendship.
I think I may sleep with him.
No, not with him.
Next to him.
I will sleep next to him.
I will go sleep next to LePoo, my friend.
Better not add another excuse for a reluctant lover to fret about.
And just like that I am already making better decisions.

Back into the devils Pen- Travis


I finally deleted Travis’s number. Again. The reluctance wasn’t as heavy this time. But I still hope he would end up texting like last time. But this time was not like last time.

It was my desperate attack, begging to be friends. Pretending that it would mean less to me.
It does mean to less to me
But the desperate want is only more.

I would never be genuinely appeased by any of the weight lifting monkeys at the gym.
It’s hard to even remember what I though of him before the thoughts I think now
He was always handsome.
That I know for sure.
I liked his skin, how his face was faintly red under his dark black hair.
If he didn’t wear glasses he would easily pass for cute.
But put together his face just looked charming, dashing but his blue eyes were sad, as if the light in them lacked true resilience.

Right away he hurt my feelings.
Embarrassed me.
From day one he had ultimate power over me.
It is no surprise I hastily grew accustomed to him.
I’ve done this my whole life
Got myself into positions
Keeping me always waiting at a phones end
To be summoned reluctantly to the devils pen
I never leave full
But I rather not be empty
Scraps of rotten affection
Manifests never healing infections
Demons always live through resurrection
The hurt that goes bump in the night
That keeps me waiting at phones ends
For the devil to say “time to play again ”
I just imagine him
Laying atop a royal blue comforter, phone in hand, heir on a thrown.
I imagine all the young ladies smitten by him and then I imagine how good that must feel,
Taking everyone’s love, not giving away any of his own.
Anytime he ceases to respond I automatically assume he is out with some one else,
I don’t even know if another person, in that exact moment of time that even exists
And still I am envious
And then I think how pretty she must be
And I imagine all the things he will like more about her
And then I find myself pity
So desperate for someone who doesn’t want me
And then I think of him
And how selfish it is to take and not give
And then I am angry with him
And then I am sad for him
Because he has hurt people , and not out of insidious lust, or blunt disrespect,
He has hurt people, only because he is hurting
And then I am sad for the other young ladies
And then I am sad for myself
Because I am one of them too
But mostly I’m just sad for him and how he can bring out my rage.
How he can make me feel something other than my self induced happiness.
The feeling of anything
I’m never calm around him, there’s always something unsettling, lurking dangerously in the dark waiting
to claw me.
I just want to see it,
Feel how sharp his bite can be.
Succumb entirely
I want him to mount me
Master me
I want him to want me
I want someone to want me
Asking others to give themselves entirely
I do to him, what he does to me
We were made to leave
Walk away eventually
For a quick fuck he has only to tolerate me
But at the end of the next morning,
We both leave empty
set me free
Trapped in his lust entirely
Collapsed in his sheets
crave his mind
Devour my body
Your body
my body
As we tumble down
To the last call
He won’t text
In the end it meant nothing at all
Always on the edge of leaving
Why can’t I just fall

My Creepy Online Date


Recently I ventured into the world of online dating. Powered by desperation, I told myself, as a full time working woman this could be a method to “date actively”.
I don’t want to be 36, single and looking for the one. I want to be young and in love. A symbol of youthful beauty in my wedding gown. Point blank; if my goal to be married by 26 after seriously dating for 3 years is going to happen, I need to find a man or woman! And quick!
I logged onto OKcupid and paid 10 bucks for a one month “A” profile membership. This membership included the advantage to see who liked your profile, get your average rating emailed and have access to quick matches in your area.
Go all in, right?
I’m no 10 but a vast majority of these guys and girls barely touched a solid 6. Overweight, or underaged, most were mediocrely average looking individuals.
You skim through photos horizontally and if you like what you see by vertically scrolling down you can read detailed profile information along with questions and answering. Along the bottom of a profile there are 4 stars that you can highlight to reflect your opinionated rating of the profile you are viewing. Every now and again there would be a looker, but they don’t respond as frequently in addition to being few in numbers.
Most messages I received were creepy or from people I would naturally not be into. DrP45 said: “hey you’re cute. Looking for 420 FWB, I have good weed if UR interested”. Other men like AGallagrawr, who were actually attractive, would message and want to discuss topics such as their favorite radio station. But they never seemed too interested.
And then there was Pdonn11. He looked scruffy in his first photo, but in a handsome way. His seceding photos also depicted a man decent looking. His eyes were blue and his teeth were pearly white. He had a big smile.
We chatted for a while, exchanged info, talked on the phone and set up a date.
He was actually really sweet, and seemed to understand me in a altered way, he was very open about his life and seemed eagerly interested in meeting me, I actually thought maybe this could lead to something….
And then I met him.
It wasn’t a catfish moment, but his photos were of a man younger and more handsomer than what stood before me.
His eyes were still blue, and his teeth were still pearly white.
But his smile stretched too tightly toward his cheeks and his hair was all but there.
He had a backpack slung over his shoulder and his cargo button snapped in the belly peeking from under his tight fitting white t-shirt.
His right cheek and middle forehead seemed to be peeling from what could have been a Possible skin condition. Not one for medical attention but maybe a little ointment. It may have just been skin damage from harsh, rough sea wind. he had mentioned before that he lived on a boat off the bay.
He wasn’t hideous but he wasn’t handsome looking, in fact he almost looked sickly.
A thought I immediately felt guilty about upon seeing his insulin machine protruding from his beer belly.
He actually lifted up his shirt, at the dinner table and showed me.
His whole belly was hairy.
He leaned entirely too close the whole night, picked off of my entree and he wanted to share my water instead of ordering his own.
Everything that came out his mouth was ridiculous and way too personal for a first date.
He would laugh sporadically while people watching black children, because as he put it : ” little black kids are so adorable I just love looking at them!”
Insert obtuse shaped, crazy cartoon grin … NOW!
If that doesn’t scream crazy white guy then I don’t know what does.
Dinner was unpleasant and he was way too forward about spending more time with me that evening.
I told him I had other plans, which I did (with a Argentinean exchange student) ,but even so he still insisted I accompany him into a nearby clothing store.
The guy just bought me dinner, as cheap as it was, I wasn’t going to be a bitch and say no.
I followed him into H&M where he asked my opinion about two hats he picked out.
I chose the brown, a clear opposite of blue that would match his eyes.
He chose the blue anyways.
He even proposed to purchasing me something.
If it weren’t for the fact that I was morbidly unattracted to him I may have let him buy me something.
But he was desperate
Not to mention borderline crazy.
Finally we departed ways, not before he freaked out on me about properly crossing without the use of a sidewalk, and I had to politely decline his offer to “do that again”.
And then I deleted my OKCupid account today.
Too many creepers for me.
I am sure a lot of individuals do find love or great friendships from online dating. It’s just not my thing.
It’s the “man” in me.
I need looks for initial attraction in a mate.
That initial physical response you get while looking at someone.
Online dating is more a meeting of the minds. Sure, you can post photos but you never know what someone looks like in the flesh until you see them. Online dating starts with conversations that lead to meeting one another physically.
Which is where most people fall short, and leave disappointed. You meet people that vibe with you mentally but they just aren’t as attractive as you thought they would be.
In my case, I did find a guy, who yes had a great personality and I thought, just by conversing via phone a few days,could potentially be the next guy I date.
But then I met him
And I found nothing attractive.
I felt bad, because we did connect on a level mentally online but physically there was nothing there, which only emphasized his other displeasing qualities and as the night went on he began to offend and annoy me.
I’m not saying I need Prince Charming because I’m no Princess Pea, but if I don’t physically find you appeasing, neither will I romantically.
Looks matter.
Physical attraction matters while dating.
And unfortunately online dating is a virtual deception of a person not their actual physical being.
With that being said, I do think online dating is a great opportunity for individuals to actively pursue a mate. It just so happens in my case; trial and judgement:
Online dating, verdict -not for me.